Late-Night Comics Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

Late-night's top comedians spent their broadcast criticizing former President Donald Trump's newly unveiled visa program, called the "gold card," characterizing it as a blatant cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.

Colbert's Pointed Take

Opening his program, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He's compiling a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... spoils each thing he touches."

Colbert's target was the controversial initiative which permits international citizens to purchase U.S. residency for the price of one million dollars, or "premium" tier for five million. An official website promises processing "with unprecedented speed."

"One thought here to rich foreigners: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the card is also meant to "get cash" from firms looking to hire skilled workers, requiring significant fees. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"The best background check the government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people completely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast

On his late-night program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow wealthy overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get legal resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your selection."

"It might be time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the lack of detail of the application, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Concerns

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll numbers during financial anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a bid to address prices, Trump held a press conference in front of a selection of grocery items, where he reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative media coverage of Trump's economic performance. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.